The idle ramblings of a Jack of some trades, Master of none

Oct 26, 2008

A Cricket Play

"Cricket is not being taken seriously enough by the players." (Evening Paper)


Umpire: Out!

Batsman: Oh please! Not that!

Umpire: Out, I said.

Batsman: Have you thought about what this means?


Batsman: Have you visualised the aftermath: the lonely walk to the pavilion, the jeers of one's mates, the comments in the Press?

Umpire: I see no other course.

Batsman: You yourself, umpire, have fans. You know what it is to run the gauntlet of hostile eyes, to be held up to ridicule. Little children, years hence, will tell the story of how I was given out, l.b.w., in this match, and will say, 'He was given out l.b.w. by Soames.'

Umpire: You only make it harder for me.

Batsman (quickly): But supposing I were not really out...

Umpire: It would not matter. I have said you are out, and that is all that matters. After all, a man must be either in or out. Life is like that. Some are in, others are out.

Batsman (with lowered head): Very well. You are but the victim of a system, and I bear you no ill-will. Your training leads to believe that I am out. You act according to your lights. Nevertheless (WITH RAISED VOICE), I dream of a day when no batsman will ever be out, and when umpire and batsman will work hand in hand to build a better cricket field. Good-bye, umpire, good-bye!


J. B. Morton (Beachcomber)


Maddy said...

that was great - i was imagining that conversation happening - and the batrsman losing 80% of his match fees for dissent.

Space Bar said...

You will be the right person to tell me who wrote that story where some very pathetic team has to prevent the other from winning by deploying a long-distance runner as bowler. Since there's no rule about how long the run-up can be, our man runs around and around the field until the light goes; bowls and gets the batsman out. It's a hilarious story and I can't remember who wrote it or what it's called.

Fëanor said...

SB: no idea, I'm afraid. I've heard of another (very short one-act) play in which the fast bowler walks away from the bowling end towards the pavilion, through the gate, exits the stadium, takes a car down the street, parks the car, begins his run-up, accelerates prodigiously, is a blur of concentrated velocity by the time he makes his delivery, which whizzes past the batsman before he can blink and fells the wickets. The umpire then says, 'No ball.'

Fëanor said...

Maddy: Or, in this case, for being particularly insouciant, he might be forgiven his fine.

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