The idle ramblings of a Jack of some trades, Master of none

While English remains one of the more troublesome languages for a person to learn to speak well, it does lend itself to parody, particularly the  upper-crust variety so beloved of Indians, P. G. Wodehouse imitators, and the Tories. Anthony Robertson wrote this engaging piece decades ago. I'm unable to determine where it was originally printed, but I had copied it out long-hand from some book of humour in my early teens, and here it is.



How To Do and Say in England: A Chest Party.

Lord Smith: This year winter makes itself perceptible.

Lord Robinson: I would winter past.

Viscount Brown: It frostles. Last night it rimed. Let us rap us warmly.

Lord Smith: The river is chockblocked with pieces of ice. Freezing! Thick enough sufficiently to be bearing.

Lord Robinson: What about a skate? Can I get a pair of skates lent?

Viscount Brown: Nay. One feels well only by the stove, or not at all. Let us therefore commence a sporty party at Chest.

Lord Smith: Where is the Chest board? I challenge at Chest!

Lord Robinson: I shall strive against you. Shall you direct the white pieces? Very well, then, I select the blacks. You putsch first! On!

Viscount Brown: I shall adjudge the contest. Play fair! Do not act like not a gentleman with low-hand tricks and sly shoves!

[Play commences.]

Lord Smith: Finely putsched! You have intricated the game anew.

Lord Robinson: You mock.

Lord Smith: It is chequ-mate. You have gained the party. I am incensed! I do violence to my feelings!

Lord Robinson: Do not violence to  your feelings! It is only a game! I gained it! How happy I am! How delightful! Charming!

Viscount Brown: How pleasant are these games in the winter season, when one cannot sport about without.


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