JOST A MON

The idle ramblings of a Jack of some trades, Master of none

Apr 29, 2009

Crime – Third Month

It’s that time of month again, and I am back with the latest roundup of translated crime fiction consumed in April. So what if taxes are being put up and Britain will soon be as unliveable as Zimbabwe – expensive and no quality of life? We can take heart in the adventures of those folks immeasurably better off than us – characters in books, thoughtful detectives, murderous villains, dangerous damsels, none of whom speak English.

This time I’ve been rather fortunate in my random pick-ups from the library. There’s much in common among them, strangely enough. There are tax dodges, social collapse, sometimes both, sometimes neither. Have I missed out any combinations? Yes. Well, we shall begin with Alain Mabanckou’s African Psycho, a dark, disturbing, frequently funny diatribe against society by a superb villain, a square-headed individual in a country very like Mabanckou’s native Congo. Gregoire is a mass of neuroses, a liar obsessed with the country’s only serial-killer, Angoualima, whose exploits he lovingly recounts, and whose approval he seeks in his own acts of violence. Gregoire is determined to kill his girlfriend, Germaine, and his preparations – both physical and mental – for this are interspersed with accounts of his troubled childhood, and the two murders he has attempted (both of which fail). Although Angoualima is dead, Greg has frequent meetings with him (at the killer’s grave) where he strives for approval from his mentor. These dialogues are blackly humorous, with the spectre frequently exasperated with Greg’s incompetence. Greg has issues with human foibles, he detests intellectuals but is not above spouting quotations, he wants the company of a compliant woman, but he can scarcely stand Germaine who has moved in with him. In the end, his murderous plans collide with forces out of his control, with spectacular results.

Next, we must have a Swedish writer, Åsa Larsson, whose The Savage Altar (or The Sun Storm) is an example of one aspect of Scandinavian life that seems to be attracting quite a bit of attention lately: the effect of fundamentalist Christianity on society. A well-beloved man, active in an evangelist church, is found brutally murdered, with his eyes gouged out. His sister falls under suspicion, the devout and scatterbrained Sanna, who calls her oldest friend Rebecka Martinsson, the heroine of this book, to help her. Rebecka has her own bitter past linked with that church, and is reluctant to return to her roots. At any rate,  she visits Sanna eventually, and uncovers tax dodges, corruption, charismatic and schismatic men, while facing up to her own demons. It is a fairly standard plot complete with the stereotypical finale of the villains closing upon Rebecka in an isolated cabin in a snowdrift, but not before she has solved the crime (she’s no detective, but lawyers are as good, eh?), saved Sanna, and gained some measure of closure. There are moments of superb psychological characterisation here, and Larsson’s detestation for evangelicals is quite clear (or perhaps it was my own dislike being mirrored in what I read), but this is not an exemplar of the best that Scandinavian crime fiction has to offer.

Benjamin Prado is our next author, a Spaniard whose Snow is Silent is a remarkable piece of work. It describes the descent of one innocuous, vacuous soul into murder. Exactly who the murderer is may be clear right from the beginning to the most obtuse amongst us, and his motivations are possibly apparent to the perspicaceous, but I was a bit thrown by the revelation towards the end. What prompts a pathetic example of clerical humanity to get above himself and pretend to be a rich man in search of suitable properties to purchase for his portfolio? Why does a woman who wouldn’t have given him a second look fall in love with him? Why are his two friends, whom he meets regularly at a cafe and to whom he recounts his daily life and criminal plans, showing so much interest in his activities? This is good stuff, a small book packing a nifty punch.

Our (obligatory?) Latin American is Luis Alfredo Garcia-Roza, a Brazilian known for his ruminative prose, yet another man so keenly observant of the changes in his society that his detective Inspector Espinoza is more of a philosopher-poet than a policeman. In The Silence of the Rain, Espinoza investigates the suicide of a rich executive in a plodding fashion, confused as he is by a series of murders that appear related to the suicide. Just when he appears to get no further, help arrives from convenient quarters (this, as much as the concentration on the upper classes of Rio, means that the book is far from a regular police procedural that prefers to plumb the underbelly of great cities). There’s some sultry sex, a view into the lives of the super-rich, financial scams, feckless men, beautiful women, almost no mention of food, and a detective who prefers to move books from one part of his living room to another, and ponder about life and the two women he is in love with, than seek out the criminals. Rather arbitrary and slow-moving. Not bad, but not the best this month.

For a change from the norm, we have two Russian books this time. Allow me to say, what incredible books. The first, Headcrusher, is by a duo named Garros-Evdokimov. This is almost technopunk, combining an incredibly violent videogame, and yet another gormless individual who suddenly goes berserk and commits a series of murders. Set in the Russia of the early 1990s when limitless money was available to the amoral and the corrupt, this book combines social criticism with dark humour; the plot is scarcely credible, but the murders follow a logical inevitability as the anti-hero, Vadim, knocks off one person after another, launders money on a vast scale, learns all about single malt whisky, and bonks beautiful women. It’s all described in a very laconic style, almost stream-of-consciousness, hilarious to boot. Rush out and grab it ASAP.

This is not really a translated novel, but I’m throwing it in as it has in it every possible stereotype an Englishman holds of the French: oversexed women, gourmets, intellectual dogs, corrupt civil servants. I daresay it is an Englishman with such a view of the French who will most benefit from reading the other books in today’s litany. Anyway. Michael Bond, famous for the Paddington Bear series, has written a bunch of harmless and humorous accounts of the exploits of Monsieur Pamplemousse, a retired policeman and gourmet (see this, e.g.). In Monsieur Pamplemousse Hits The Headlines, a famous TV chef dies while he films a cooking show where Pamplemousse is in attendance, and obviously our man has to get involved. There are horny vamps out to blackmail every male in power, even Pamplemousse who is not really powerful, and sundry colourful characters who have much to say on food, but it’s Pamplemousse’s dog Pommes Frites who guides the detective to the solution. There are a couple of innocuous misdirections to keep the reader’s interest going. A very light book, this, which offers almost nothing to the intellect. General time-pass.

Akashic Books has been in the business of urban fiction for some years, and recently, has published a series of books of short crime fiction set in various cities of the world. I picked up Paris Noir: Capital Crime Fiction, edited by Maxim Jakubowski, but this has nothing at all to do with Akashic, heheheh. It is as motley a collection as I can imagine, however. Noir only loosely describes the stories in the book (in what way Elric of Melniboné is involved in crime?) and not all of them are very good. In fact, despite claiming to shed light on little-visited areas of the City of Lights, the tramping grounds of the various characters in the book are Pigalle and environs, known even to one such as I who has scarcely visited the city, as a red-light district. The stories by now have all blended into an amorphous mass in my head, written by American, Canadian, French, and British writers; I can single out a couple that I thought were decent: Jason Starr’s “Bar Fight” with its twist at the end, and Romain Slocombe's “Guy Georges' Final Crime” has a clash between a serial-killer and his last victim that turns unexpectedly.

Next up is the second Russian novel: Andrey Kurkov’s Death and the Penguin, an absolute smasher of a book, about a down-and-out wannabe novelist who is hired by a newspaper to write up obituaries to be kept ready when important people die. Viktor is a loner, an introspective hack, with very little to tie him to his compatriots. His only source of comfort and affection is an Emperor Penguin named Misha that he picks up from Kiev zoo, which is too broke to feed its animals. The penguin spends much of the time standing quietly in the bedroom and staring at the wall; occasionally it studies its reflection in the mirror; often it senses its master’s despair and waddles over to put its head on his lap… Various thugs begin to arrive at Viktor’s doorstep, stern but friendly, who ask him which of his obituaries he liked the best.  The next day, the subject is dead; soon others Viktor has written about are dying as well, and the editor of the newspaper admits that he is part of a clique determined to clean out corruption in Kiev. One minor villain (who soon is killed) leaves his daughter in the writer’s care. Viktor now has to take care of two wards, and while he is kind to the girl, his deepest affection is reserved for Misha. Viktor finds out that his obituary has been written, which serves to crystallise his mind and strengthen his spine. Then the penguin falls badly ill. This is a novel of simply wrought impressions, humorous and moving and surreal, a study of social collapse, and the ties that bind the honest and the helpless. Wonderful stuff.

The German writer Petra Hammesfahr has been likened to Patricia Highsmith, and her award-winning novel The Sinner has all the darkness and psychosis of the latter’s oeuvre. A young mother, Cora Bender, seemingly content with her husband and little son, suddenly stabs out at a man in a beach as he makes out with his wife, and kills him brutally. She then admits her crime to the policemen who show up and requests them not to waste time investigating the murder. But the investigating detective is baffled by her statement that she hasn’t seen the man before; when she refuses to explain her motive, he.begins to dig deeper. And once again we see the awful consequences of religious fundamentalism on a growing child, We learn what an awful upbringing Cora had, with her mother suffused with rigorous piety, her father feckless and incapable of supporting her, her younger sister so badly ill that she is in and out of hospitals. As she grows up, she faces the constant contempt of her mother; her sister then begins to live life vicariously through her, even going so far as to attempt to persuade Cora into prostitution. When a flashy boy comes to town, she falls in love with him, and finds herself among a crowd that seeks sex and drugs, which inevitably leads to tragedy. Perhaps it is this tragedy that has coloured her life, and the demons that were driven deep into her psyche suddenly emerged on that beach that sunny day and caused her to kill? This is a top-notch study of psychological trauma and faith, revealing that just as blind faith can destroy, faith in the fundamental goodness in people can save.

Speaking of psychological studies, the Swiss writer Friedrich Glauser spent much of his life at one or the other mental institution in Switzerland. Amidst his treatments, he wrote four novels that were to become classics in European crime fiction. In Matto’s Realm is one of them, and it is rather good. Matto, in Italian, is the spirit of madness, and it appears to rule in an asylum in Bern, whence a child-murderer escapes and the director is found with a broken neck. When the sympathetic sergeant Studer is brought in to cover up the case (with the approval, strangely enough, of his superiors), he finds that there are castes and hatreds and religious maniacs and sexual rivalries galore within the institution. The blurb says that Studer finds it hard to resist Matto himself, finding himself drawn into the ‘no-man’s land between reason and madness’, but this is an exaggeration. Studer remains warmly analytical throughout, even if some of his efforts at resolving the mysteries go awry and an innocent man ends up dead. He is shaken by the consequences of his actions, but he is too good a man and detective to ignore the truth. This is a slow-burning novel of humour and understanding, written with intimate knowledge of the world of the insane. Glauser has certainly put to good use his own unfortunate experiences.

Finally, we have Czech-born French writer Pavek Hak’s Sniper, a violent and awful description of war and the greatest crimes of all – those sanctioned by governments on their own hapless populations. This is a thin book, describing the points of view of three characters in a Balkan country: the sniper, an amoral stooge of the government who is convinced that he is serving the greater good by annihilating everyone who comes into the scopes of his rifle – children, mothers, old men and women, postmen – he kills them all indiscriminately; a young man who is determined to exhume and bury his parents with honour, fighting with every ounce of sinew the tough ice that covers them, reliving over and over again the brutal slaughter of his father, his mother and his little brothers; and a commandant who embodies the criminal decision of the oppressors to wage brutality in every possible way against the civilians, including degradation and rape and torture and bestiality. The three viewpoints are interlinked, with the horror escalating with every page. As anti-war novels go, this is right up there with the best.

And that’s all for April, folks.

Last summer, an unlikely star appeared on the Internet - a poorly dressed Tajik gastarbeiter who brilliantly performed the song 'Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Aaja' from the Hindi film 'Disco Dancer' with such verve that he was a hit on YouTube. Soon his fame spread into the world at large, and Roman Gruzov located him in Kolomna, a little town in the Moscow region. Roman found out that the Tajik was not a Tajik, and, wholly unexpectedly, ended up helping the singer along his career in show-business.

Roman Gruzov
wrote up the story in the online journal Big Town (Bolshoi Gorod), and I have very loosely translated his tale here. In case you're wondering, this is the story of the man who appeared in that video I posted a few days ago. [Via Neeka]

Apr 28, 2009

Knight Tales

A story in the style of Yossarian Lives.

“I had breakfast.”

“What did you eat?”

“I had rice crispies.”

“Then what happened?”

“I went outside. Then I came inside. Then I had circle time.”

“Then what happened?”

“Baltar is not my friend.”

“Why not?”

“He said ‘Oh dear’ to me.”

“Why?”

“I pushed him.”

“Why?”

“He pushed me.”

“No fighting, okay? Not nice. Then what happened?”

“We went on minibus to the animals. We saw chickens and a big chicken. A b-i-g chicken.”

“Then what happened?”

“I touched the chicken. You must not touch the chicken.”

“Then why did you?”

“I did not touch the chicken.”

“Then what happened?”

“The chicken is b-i-g.”

“…”

“We went on minibus and I drived it.”

“You drove it.”

“I drove it."

“Then what happened?”

“Then I went to the preschool and ate mum-mum.”

“What did you eat?”

“Pasta. Cheesy pasta, no?”

“Was it nice?”

“Yes.”

“Was it delicious?”

“Yes.”

“Then what happened?”

“We went outside. Then we sang songs.”

“Which song?”

“We ate lunch.”

“What did you eat?”

“Mashed potatoes.”

“Did you like it?”

“Then Amma came. And I watch little-bit TV and I sleep and it was night-time and Achcha came and he give me a bath and I ate chapati and Achcha give me ice-cream and Amma give me ice-cream and I washed my hands and brushed my teeth and I talk all about the preschool.”

“Good night, sweetie.”

“Can you please call Amma now?”

“…”

“Amma! Amma! I want the hot-air balloon story!”

We started off Dutch. Then the brave Belgians got their claws into us and brought down their government. Now we are 75% French.

If this is a westerly trend, we might soon be Spanish. And then what? Nowhere but the sea.

Hopefully the coffee will improve in the kitchen.

Baymurat is an indigent Uzbek guest-worker in a town near Moscow. He has an impish sense of humour and a vocal range that would rival Jimmy Page's. What use does he put that voice to? Check this out.



Bollywood, here we come. [Via Neeka]

Apr 22, 2009

Adalgisa's Rear

Adalgisa is not only a cook with delicate sensibility, but she is also one of the finest Carnival dancers in Bahia. Of her, the following poem is written in Jorge Amado's The War of the Saints.

ADALGISA'S RUMP

A rump revealed, one August in Bahia,
Round to the eyes, a magnificent orb,
A bottom like a bison, your buttocks, Adalgisa
Beguiled my walk through the market stalls

Of all the rhymed asses of ancient memory
Only yours has the the compass of true poetry
A tail bound for glory, oh unrivaled iyawô
Rolling your hips, you take our breath away
Our lips, fair Adalgisa, long there to stray

So plump, so cleft, so high, it rivals
The white and leavened dough, cooked in the far off Bahias
Where oh how Adalgisa sings! tropical bird, Homeric siren
And I, a lost Ulysses, bow my head in this tavern
Longing for your broad pelvic perfection
Foundering in my sleep but not in affection.

Fernando Assis Pacheco
Bahia, stormy, on an August night

Apr 19, 2009

Deliciously Dutch

Ever since my organisation was taken over by les braves Belges, the quality of food in the kitchen has undergone a vast improvement - both in taste and in variety. A few days ago, for instance, one of my colleagues decided to celebrate his birthday with some Dutch treats, and brought in a fine selection of bakery. Before he could send out his invite to the rest of the floor, I had raided the larder and come away with sumptuous examples of stroopwafels, gevulde koeken, krakelingen, and some other biscuits whose name escape me.

Caramel filled syrup waffles, known for short as stroopwafels, date from the 18th century, and are possibly Holland's best known sweet treats. They are made from vanilla and cinnamon dough, filled with syrup, pressed and baked. Ostensibly made from secret recipes known only within families of stroopwafel chefs, these originated in the Gouda region of the Netherlands.

The gevulde koeken are almond-filled pastries made from butter-dough, with an egg-based glaze atop to give it a shiny effect. It's usually had with coffee or hot chocolate or tea, or wolfed down ravenously if you are like me and impatient. You can get oblong varieties of this delicacy, called rondos (or Amsterdammertje), in case you long for change but don't want to give up the essence of almond and butter.


Krakelingen are puff pastry cookies, famed for being chucked at revellers in the Flemish town of Geraardsbergen (where, soon after, the revels culminate in live fish immersed in wine being hastily consumed), but in other aspects are not quite so lively: they have flaky interiors and a glazed sweet top.

Are you envious/drooling/checking your cholesterol yet?

Sometime in the early 1160s, a Sephardic Rabbi named Benjamin set out from Tuteila (or Tudela) in Navarre on a wide arc across the known world. His intent was to document the lands he visited, with particular emphasis on the Jewish diaspora. His peregrinations took him to France, Italy, the Balkans, Constantinople, the Holy Land, Mesopotamia, Khuzistan, Persia, Quilon, and then, on his journey home, Yemen, Egypt, Sicily, Germany, Bohemia, Russia, and finishing in Paris, where he completed his Itinerary 1. And what an itinerary! If indeed he had visited all these countries, then, in the space of about ten years, he had covered all of Christendom and much of the domains of Islam. All he needed to do to be on par with Ibn Battuta, I daresay, would have been to extend his journey to the Orient and the Spice Islands.

For the purposes of this post, I'll extract his notes on Quilon (Khulam, as he called it).

Thence 2 it is seven days' journey to Khulam 3 which is the beginning of the country of the Sun-worshippers 4. These are the sons of Cush, who read the stars, and are all black in colour. They are honest in commerce. When merchants come to them from distant lands and enter the harbour, three of the King's secretaries go down to them and record their names, and then bring them before the King, whereupon the King makes himself responsible even for their property which they leave in the open, unprotected. There is an official who sits in his office, and the owner of any lost property has only to describe it to him when he hands it back. This custom prevails in all that country. From Passover to New Year, that is all during the summer, no man can go out of his house because of the sun, for the heat in that country is intense, and from the third hour of the day onward, everybody remains in his house till the evening. Then they go forth and kindle lights in all the market places and all the streets, and then do their work and business at night-time. For they have to turn night into day in consequence of the great heat of the sun. Pepper is found there. They plant the trees thereof in the fields, and each man of the city knows his own plantation. The trees are small, and the pepper is as white as snow. And when they have collected it, they place it in saucepans and pour boiling water over it, so that it may become strong. They then take it out of the water and dry it in the sun, and it turns black. Calamus and ginger and many other kinds of spice are found in this land.

The people of this country do not bury their dead, but embalm them by means of various spices, after which they place them on chairs and cover them with fine linen. And each family has a house where it preserves the embalmed remains of its ancestors and relations. The flesh hardens on the bones, and the embalmed bodies look like living beings, so that every man can recognize his parents, and the members of his family for many years. They worship the sun, and they have high places everywhere outside the city at a distance of about half a mile. And every morning they run forth to greet the sun, for on every high place a solar disc is made of cunning workmanship, and as the sun rises the disc rotates with thundering noise, and all, both men and women, offer incense to the sun with censers in their hands. Such are their superstitious practices. And throughout the island, including ail the towns there, live several thousand Israelites. The inhabitants are all black, and the Jews also. The latter are good and benevolent. They know the law of Moses and the prophets, and to a small extent the Talmud and Halscha.

There is a suspicion that this otherwise very dependable author has possibly not travelled beyond Arabia because of the exaggerations that suddenly develop in the book after that point. It might be that he took recourse to hearsay from other travellers, or he referred to books by earlier, less trustworthy men. Whatever the reason, his claim that Quilon - in the southern part of Malabar - was a Parsi kingdom does beggar belief. While there may have been Zoroastrians in that area, they were mainly concentrated much further north, in Gujarat.

Contrary to popular belief at the time that white and black pepper originated from different plants, he points out that one derives from the other, although it should be said that it works the other way round: when black pepper pods are put in water, the skin is able to be sloughed off, revealing the white kernel inside.

Finally, Benjamin's accuracy returns when he takes up his travelogue in Aden, after the Indian sojourn. This map, we may safely surmise, is the best guide to his progress.

References and Notes

1. Marcus Nathan Adler,
The Itinerary of Benjamin of Tudela: Critical Text, Translation and Commentary, New York: Phillip Feldheim, Inc., 1907

2. Benjamin travelled from Katifa, or El-Katif, in Bahrain.

3. [Footnote in Adler's book] Khulam, now called Quilon, was a much frequented seaport in the early Middle Ages where Chinese shippers met the Arab traders. It afterwards declined in importance, being supplanted by Calicut, Goa, and eventually by Bombay. It was situated at the southern end of the coast of Malabar. Renaudot in a translation of De Travels of Two Mohammedan Traders , who wrote as far back as 851 and 915 respectively, has given us some account of this place; Ibn Batuta and Marco Polo give us interesting details. Ritter, in the fifth volume of his Geography, dilates on the cultivation of the pepper-plant, which is of indigenous growth. In Benjamin's time it was thought that white pepper was a distinct species, but Ritter explains that it was prepared from the black pepper, which, after lying from eight to ten days in running water, would admit of being stripped of its black outer covering. Ritter devotes a chapter to the fire-worship of the Guebers, who, as Parsees, form an important element at the present day in the population of the Bombay Presidency. Another chapter is devoted to the Jewish settlement to which Benjamin refers. See Die judischen Colonien in Indien, Dr. Gustav Oppert; also Semitic Studies (Berlin, 1890, pp. 396-419.

Under the heading "Cochin," the Jewish Encyclopaedia gives an account of the White and Black Jews of Malabar. By way of supplementing the Article, it maybe well to refer to a MS., No. 4238 of the Morzbacher Library formerly at Munich. It is a document drawn up in reply to eleven questions addressed by Tobias Boas on the 12 Ellul 5527 (= 1767) to R. Jeches Kel Rachbi of Malabar. From this MS. it appears that 10,000 exiled Jews reached Malabar A. C. 68 (i. e. about the time of the destruction of the Second Temple) and settled at Cranganor, Dschalor, Madri and Plota. An extract of this MS. is given in Winter and Wiinsche's Judische Literatur, vol III, p. 459. Cf. article on the Boni-Israel of India by Samuel B. Samuel, The Jewish Literary Annual, 1905.

4. Sun-worshippers, or Parsis.

I nipped over at high speed to Chicago last week. It was such a hurried trip that I oGod Bless America inspired by American Gothicutpaced jet lag. Thirty one hours in one of my favourite cities is hard recompense for seven years' absence. Still, a jaunt at company expense is hardly to be sneezed at, especially in these cost-cutting times. Hurray for business class. Ha, I'd forgotten what that was like.

It was freezing in the Windy City but I refused to be fazed. I stomped up and down Michigan Avenue, that Magnificent Mile, gawking anew at the skyscrapers old and new. There were buildings there that were only glints in their designers' eyes during my time. The Trump building trumped over the multitude. No sign of Calatrava's Spire, though - that's yet another iconic design by the Spaniard that will probably not come up.

Wandering by Pioneer Court, just south of the Chicago river, I was taken aback by a sculpture of a very familiar painting. Couldn't recall the title of the painting, but I knew it had something to do with American Gothic. The sculpture was cheekily titled "God Bless America", and I suppose the only difference between it and the painting was the addition of two travel trunks at the feet of the figures. A couple of local girls looked at it from all possible sides. "Going to Bangladesh with a pitchfork?" said one of them, barely able to hold back her giggles.

Grant Wood's artwork has been widely parodied, but I think this is the first one in 3 dimensions.

The wife had given me specific instructions. "Go to Borders near the Water Tower and get me this book." So I went and did. The Water Tower is one of old Chicago's features, Gothic once again, and having survived the fire, is a favourite location for tourists as well. I am not one to deny the inherent (and fairly uninspired) shutterbug in me, so above on the left is a picture of this iconic structure.

I was making a presentation on the top floor of one of The Tribune Tower At NightChicago's tallest buildings, the Aon Center, which provided an opportunity for some bird's-eye-views of the downtown and the river and the lake and all that. All the superlatives were visible on this cold and sunny day. Sears Tower, the Hancock building, the Prudential, the Wrigley, the boat on the river... I was so high up I could almost see the curvature of the planet.

The Tribune Building was visible in the night just out of my window on the 29th floor of the Intercontinental Hotel. I took a photo of its Gothic top, which was so controversial when it was erected in 1922, much against the spirit of modernity that Chicago strove for. Besides its inspiration from Rouen Cathedral, the building is famous for the various rocks embedded in its walls - pieces from Egyptian pyramids, and the Roman Coliseum, and the Great Wall of China. There is even a rock from the moon, which is on display within. Quite an achievement for Chicago's finest newspaper, the building and the lunacy, I like to think.

(Warning: random and incoherent rant follows.) The thing about religions that gets my goat is their complete self-righteousness and smugness. They have their rituals overt and covert, and their prayer books, and their demand for compliance and abnegation, and the power of their organisations that cow the populace. They insist on conformity and resent criticism. They are assured that they know all the answers. In other words, they are not that different from me because I, as a Borg, a lackey in the world of finance, a hack at computing, am as contemptuous of anything non-standard as any virulent fundamentalist.

Resistance, we Borg like to say, is futile.

I was reminded of this when I encountered the otherwise absolutely stunning Bang and Olufsen Beosound 5. It is a music console that works wirelessly with a hidden storage system dubbed Beomaster 5, which acts as repository for a thousand-odd CDs of music at lossless quality, and creates automatic backups, and generates music streams that can fill your mansion (or yacht) with sublime sound.

So why does it get my goat? Well, it is - as expected - incompatible with any other music device. You shell out a few thousand bucks on it, and it will work only with a few thousand dollars worth of related Bang and Olufsen products. A small concession has been made to Mac users, which does make a change from the overwhelming domination of Windows. Proprietary interconnects should be as passe in this age as the Pope. Still, both persist with annoying perversity.

To boot, both these products (Beo and the Vicar of Rome) come from long traditions of beauty, power, monopoly, and they both have the ability to mesmerize and depress the rest of us. Sheesh. It's bad enough that they expect the rest of us to bow and scrape and admit our awe. We can't even mutter 'Bloody Hell' as I did at a church recently, and hope to escape with minor injuries. (The organist then takes it upon herself to educate the wife on Christian values in Babe the Pig.) If we read Tyrannousaurus Drip to our kids, the fundamentalists immediately feel the need to strike right back with bedtime stories of Noah having done this and Darius having said that. There is no escape. God and B & O are out there to steal your soul.

Oh, and did I mention I want this Beosound? I want it, I want it, I want it.

Apr 12, 2009

Quizzed

In the days of my youth, the unsporty-but-spotty amongst us found fulfillment in the world of quizzing. General knowledge - or trivial pursuit, as it came to be known a little later - was the way forward for those of us that ate fish in generous quantities. There were quizzes at every conceivable level. We competed against the other half of the class in desk-thumping exercises when we had substitute teachers too lazy to cover course material. We competed against other sections in our year. We fought close battles in inter-house championships. And we bloodied our brains in sanguinary struggles at meets against other schools.

The apex of the school-kid quizzing world was the Bournvita Quiz Contest hosted by the urbane Ameen Sayani. For those of us that never qualified to that level, there was recompense: if we sent in several carton covers of the eponymous malt drink (which we drank in large quantities) and a self-addressed envelope, we would soon receive a handsomely bound volume of the best questions asked that year in the contest. I, myself, accumulated four volumes and gained quite a prodigious milk moustache in the effort.

A problem with a peripatetic childhood is that one sometimes veers from a quizzing nation to a non-quizzing nation just when one is beginning to get rather good at the game. By the time I returned to India for higher studies, I had been cut off so long from the quizzing mainstream that I had little hope of joining the elite squad at college. Still, it was fun enough to enter the preliminary rounds that would eliminate all the dross. I recall that I qualified up to the third of four rounds, where I faced questions such as "What are Madonna's fans called?" and "If you take off in a modern passenger jet at sea-level and land in a city at an altitude of 5000 feet, what pressure difference will you encounter when you exit the aircraft?" I knew the answer to the one but not the other, and I suspect I lost out on account of that.

Of course, quizzing was not restricted to general knowledge. There were math quizzes that I nailed ("What is common to cusps, folds, swallowtails and butterflies?"), and science quizzes ("When these were first discovered, they were named LGM. What are they?") that I lost, and music quizzes ("Identify this piece."), and visual quizzes ("What is this?") that found me foundering. At the inter-college level, I rarely qualified to the finals.

The good thing about quizzes in India is that if the participants can't answer a question, it is posed to the audience, and anyone who guesses correctly wins a little prize. At the cheap quizzes, it could be a 10 paise piece of sugar candy. At the slightly more hep quizzes, the budget would extend to 25 paise Cadbury Eclairs. At the top end, there would be 1 rupee bars of milk chocolate. Yum-my.

You know how sportsmen claim that they are in the zone sometimes? When that happens, there's no way you can lose? No matter how obscure the question, or how sure you are that you don't know the answer, you do manage to answer correctly? Well, I was in the zone once. It was at a mid-level affair organised by the Karnataka Quiz Association. Question after question that stumped the others came my way and I nailed them. Boy, how I nailed them. Hitchcock's supposed single-take shots in Rope? I knew how they were done. A manuscript map of ocean currents? It was all to do with Polynesian migrations. A photo of the backs of the heads of two silver-haired folks? It was obvious they were Krishnamurthi and Indira Gandhi. A mysterious music piece that was attached to a controversial film? Peter Gabriel's compositions for The Last Temptation of Christ. By the end of the quiz, I had amassed more points than anyone else.

My friends were impressed and bought me 25-paise cups of coffee. The quizmaster was staggered, and thumped my back. I say, he said to me, shaking his head. I can't believe you didn't qualify for the finals. I grinned. I had entered the zone at the exact moment the finals started.

Good thing, though: my lap was heaped with Cadbury Eclairs.

PS: Feel free to attempt any of the unanswered questions in this post.

PPS: Bonus question: "Connect the Gateway Arch to the Galata Tower via 33 hours and 30 minutes, a book, a tunnel, and Heather Angel."

Apr 10, 2009

A Chechen Folk Tale

There's a rather neat repository of folk tales from the peoples of the old Soviet Union to be found here. They have been translated from various tongues into Russian, and I took the lightest of the Chechen ones and translated it into English over at Sundry Translations and Other Tangentialia. As folk tales go, it's not that great, and I suspect much colour has been lost while moving from Chechen to Russian to English. Still, there you have it.

Apr 2, 2009

Punch!

A few weeks ago, I wandered into the Wallace Collection near Oxford Street, and was pleased to find that there was to be a brief presentation which I would have time to attend. Mr Stephen Duffy, one of the curators of this jewel of art collections, would talk about Meissonier's Polichinelle, better known in England as Punch (of Punch and Judy fame).

On 9 May 1662, Samuel Pepys recorded what is possibly the first mention of the old puppet show. He wrote, "Thence to see an Italian puppet play that is within the rayles there, which is very pretty, the best that ever I saw, and great resort of gallants." Italian? Well, Punch was the Anglicised version of a stock character in the Italian Commedia dell'Arte, which was about a century old by then, an improvisational tale of jocosity, cruelty, heartbreak, love and other emotions. Punch in the original Italian was a pointy nosed fellow wearing a white dress and black mask; in France, he was a pot-bellied, sly, lascivious chap, cruel even. Meissonier depicted him in vivid colour, as seen here, with a prominent tummy and self-indulgent smirk.

Jean-Louis-Ernest Meissonier (1815-91) began his career as a self-trained painter, an illustrator at first, but he quickly gained the favour of the intellectual and the super-wealthy salons of 19th century France. Among his patrons was Lord Hertford, the original Wallace, whose collection forms the bulk of the museum today. Hertford had to fight off the likes of James de Rothschild and the Duc de Monay to obtain an elegant set of fourteen pieces of Meissonier's work, some of which are on display at the Wallace Collection.

This particular piece is special - it was executed on a panel in oil around 1860 - and the panel itself was on a door in the apartment of a famous courtesan, Madame Sabatier, whose (intellectual) favours were enjoyed by the likes of Baudelaire and Flaubert and Meissonier (and Hertford as well, reputed to be her lover in the 1840s). Even now, the knots on the wood are evident. The panel was cut out of the door and refurbished by the artist in 1861, and it then was purchased by Hertford for about £520, a considerable sum in those days.

Study for Polichinelle (c.1873)Of course, it was quite appropriate to have characters such as Punch in the boudoirs of courtesans, louche and lewd as he is. But this was not all that Meissonier executed. He had a keen nose for business, and was aware that there was much interest in art that reflected the past, especially the 18th century. Indeed, he pandered heavily to this predilection of the wealthy, creating single figures in large numbers, mostly cavaliers. And, while the likes of Watteau were much more decorous in their depictions of the Commedia dell'arte, Meissonier had no such sensibilities and eschewed all nostalgic charm.

Interestingly, Manet appears to have been inspired by Meissonier's Punch. Only a dozen or so years later, he came up with a much more tender representation of the figure. There was a feeling abroad at the time that he was depicting (and poking fun at) Marshal MacMahon who had bloodily suppressed the Paris Commune. The government of the time censored it. He made several studies of the piece, modelled by his friend Edmond André, and executed a lithograph as well. Above right, we have one of those studies.

Further Reading:
Stephen Duffy and Jo Hedley, The Wallace Collection’s Pictures. A Complete Catalogue, London, The Wallace Collection, 2004.

In a stately home in London, yours truly yesterday became a subject of Her Majesty the Queen. There was a moment, fifteen minutes after the appointed time when the registrar still had not appeared, that I thought it was a particularly British way to play a Fool's Day joke on me. But she turned up shortly thereafter, all apologies, bronzed tan and heaving cleavage. I had to affirm my allegiance to the monarch, pledge my fidelity to the kingdom, sign a document, receive a naturalisation certificate, and walk out of that ancient pile with a tra-la on my lips and immediate plans (like all Brits) to emigrate to a sunny clime. Spain, perhaps? The Costa de Sol beckons.

Of course, it didn't turn out all that smoothly. In keeping with the age-old tradition of the bureaucracy to screw things up, my certificate had my date and place of birth entered wrongly. I have to send it back to the UK Border Agency with a copy of my passport (which, of course, they already have) to point out where they went wrong. Two weeks hence, assuming they get a breather from the recent avalanche of naturalisation applications (people trying to get in before the regulations and fees change in the new financial year), I should hopefully have the correct certificate, which I can then use to get myself a shiny new red biometric passport, wielding which I can pursue that old British dream - move to Benidorm, and park myself in a pub to watch endless reruns of Only Fools and Horses.

I would have liked to attend the citizenship ceremony in a cohort with other freshly minted subjects. Unfortunately, the earliest available date was more than a month away. It would have been fun to see eager and joyous immigrants in the same room, looking forward to full civil rights and participation in this old democracy. Like good Borg, we'd have all chanted the oath enthusiastically, in unison, and gratefully received benediction from the officiating dignitary. But I was in a hurry to be done with the process, a nifty £50 exchanged hands, and I was given the option for a private ceremony.

A rather tatty photograph of the Queen was perched on a table, bedecked with the Union Jack. A little stereo system played classical music that I didn't recognise. The hall is used for wedding ceremonies more often than citizenship rituals, and the collection of CDs available to set the mood reflected this fact: most were love songs.

The ceremony took barely five minutes. I read out the affirmation. I shook hands with the registrar (I could have refused to, had my religious or cultural upbringing prevented me from touching a woman. In Britain, all viewpoints are valid.) She gave me my certificate and welcomed me to the community. The national anthem blared. Thankfully, we weren't expected to join in. I don't know the words. The registrar then showed us out. It was a warm, pleasant day.

Even though there is the notional "overseas citizenship" available from India, I am guilty about having to abandon my lovely blue twenty-year desi passport. It has brought me much joy and angst in equal measure (see episode at Estonian immigration, for example). I don't even look like the picture of me affixed in it. It could belong to a completely different person, a different life. Once I get the OCI, I needn't apply for a visa to visit the heartland. But much is lost to me now: even leaving aside the usual rights of a citizen, it's more difficult to visit the inner-line states, it's costlier to enter Bhutan, and the chances of adopting a kid from India now are vanishingly small. I was eligible for UK citizenship over three years ago. Finally I've taken the plunge. It is a bittersweet step.

The Academy of Fine Arts of San Fernando in Madrid is displaying some of the finest artworks - some never before seen outside Italy - of the Venetian Settecento, 18th century. Check out a brief survey and examples of the art here.