JOST A MON

The idle ramblings of a Jack of some trades, Master of none

Fellow gastropods, lend me your tentacles and tympani. If, in the course of your prodigious reading or watching, you were to come across a description of food or drink that made your livers swell with anticipation, please feel free to contribute said description at that new blog I mentioned only a few days ago. I've padded it up lately with a bit of this and that, but it requires much much more. Muchas mores, as a Spangliard might say.

From all lingos and corners of the universe, anything edible or potable in anything readable or watchable is welcome.

Come on, you know you want to.

[As an added incentive, Space Bar said she was planning to come up with a crime novel to go with the pasta she made just a few days ago.]

We've talked about constrained writing and the phantasmagoric literary movement known as Oulipo, and we are pleased that examples of the oeuvre continue to be published to amaze and delight us. Christian Bök, of Toronto fame, has spent seven years on his latest book, Eunoia, which - as any Oulipoid should know - is the shortest word in the English language consisting of all five vowels, and which means 'beautiful thought.' In this book, he has clever, punchy, terse and often gorgeous wordplay, internal rhymes: pieces in which only one vowel is used, and in which he tries to incorporate as many different words as possible. His efforts with 'a' and 'e' are neat, but the amazing section is that with verse consisting of the vowel 'u'. Here's how one piece starts:
Dutch smut churns up blushful succubus lusts; thus
buff hunks plus hung studs must fuck lustful sluts:
Ruth plus Lulu. Ubu struts. Ubu snuffs up drugs.
We'd like to continue but it gets increasingly raunchy and clever and we don't want to violate the man's copyright.

After the description of the porn flick, Bök, sympathetically, wants to show that Ubu enjoys his meals. All that bonking does tend to drain the buff hunk:
Ubu gulps up brunch: duck, hummus, nuts, fugu,
bulgur, buns (crusts plus crumbs), blutwurst, brüh-
wurst, spuds, curds, plums; munch, munch. Ubu sups.
Once that is done, Ubu likes nothing better than to observe nature. He is a bucolic man, Ubu is:
Gulls churr: ululu, ululu. Ducks cluck. Bulls plus
bucks run thru buckbush; thus dun burrs clutch
fur tufts. Ursus cubs plus Lupus pups hunt skunks.
Curs skulk (such mutts lurk: ruff, ruff).
There is much more, but all we shall say at this point is: read the book. It is available online here.

This morning while shaving I thought I heard Ode To Joy in the bathroom. I listened carefully, ear cocked, razor at the ready. Nothing. I started to shave again. And there it was, Schiller's heroic chorus. It sounded strangely muted. I stopped to listen and the tune died at once. Shrugging, I continued wielding the razor.

Swish-swish swish-swish,
Swish-swish swish-swish,
Swish-swish-swish-swiiiiiish-swish-swish-swish.


Stop by tomorrow when I report on Beethoven's Fifth played at half tempo:

Swish-swish-swish-swiiiiish!
Swish swish swish swiiiiiiish!

Mar 25, 2009

Trippy Hippy

Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I took a bus trip from Kathmandu to Delhi. It was in the midst of the blistering Indian summer and the rattletrap I rode was not air-conditioned. I found myself sitting by an American backpacker by the name of Michelle Katz, denizen of St Louis. Our conversation proceeded in fits and starts over the first five hours of the journey. The Terai reeled and baked in the heat.

Me: "You're American?"
MK: "Yes. From St Lewis."
Me: "Shouldn't that be Saint Looey?"
MK: "We pronounce it Saint Lewis."
Me: "But I thought L-o-u-i-s was French?"
MK: "Yeah, but we pronounce it Saint Lewis."

I snorted at this show of ignorance. She gave me a dirty look. Clearly, we hadn't gotten off with the best of starts.

MK: "Wow, it's hot."
Me: "Just wait, it will soon be hotter."

(Silence for half an hour during which MK drank steadily out of her water-bottle.)

MK: "I've no water left. When are we stopping?"
Me: "I don't know."
MK: "Man, can it get any hotter than this?"
Me: "Yes. As a matter of fact, this is not even really hot. It's, what, 40 degrees? We have heat-waves when the temperature goes up to 45. It's all to do with deforestation and the flat land. The other day, seven people died of heatstroke. You want to avoid heatstroke. Drink water. But the water here is not safe, so maybe Limca?"

At this point, I noticed that her eyes had glazed over, and her tongue was hanging out, so I faltered to a stop. I offered her a candy, which she eyed with a revolted expression.

Me: "You know, I could have flown to Delhi."
MK: "So why didn't you?"
Me: "I wanted to see the country."
MK: "You're crazy!"
Me: (smugly) "Yes."

A while later.

Me: "Do you like Indian music?"
MK: "No."
Me: "No?"

(Lata Mangeshkar was wailing loudly out of the bus's beaten up speakers at that point. She didn't let up till we arrived in Delhi.)

Me: "It's very poetic. This song, for instance, is all about some people who stole her veil. If you don't believe her, ask the policeman."
MK: "What policeman?"
Me: (vaguely) "The one in the bazar."

Clearly, Pakeezah didn't hold much interest for this intrepid adventurer from the Show-Me State.

Me: "Have you visited any Indian villages?"
MK: "Yes."
Me: "Were they nice?"
MK: "Yes."
Me: "You know, people are generally quite welcoming, but in some villages it's like your Wild West, this place is not big enough for the two of us, and all that. They don't like outsiders."

(I had only that day read in the paper about a bunch of upper-class thugs who had beaten up a bunch of lower-caste labourers somewhere in Bihar.)

MK: "When is this bus going to stop?"
Me: "I don't know."
MK: "Could you ask the driver?"
Me: "Sure."

The driver didn't pay me any attention. None of the other passengers looked remotely interested either. MK looked at me in wonder.

MK: "You asked him in English?"
Me: "I don't speak Hindi."
MK: "But I could have asked him in English!"
Me: "Yes."

I offered her the candy again, but she was too drained by the heat and my cavalier attitude to respond. The bus stopped in the middle of a desolate village. There was a hand-pump towards which rushed half the passengers. One man pumped for the others while they soaked their shirts and heads and gulped down gallons of water. When it was my turn, the man who was pumping announced that he was going to drink now. So I pumped for him. MK approached me gingerly.

MK: "Is that safe to drink?"
Me: "I don't know."
MK: "I'll drink it anyway."

She drank a bit. The water was incredibly cool and refreshing, and before my eyes she bloomed and began to smile.

MK: "Wow, that was great."

In a few seconds, the water evaporated off her head and shirt and she began to steam up. She drank some more water, but the effect was lost.

MK: "Man, oh man, it's so hot."
ME: "You know, it's only going to get hotter than this."
MK: (hysterically) "Don't keep saying that! Don't say that!"

When I got back on the bus, I noticed she had moved her things to another seat. She wouldn't look at me. So I stretched out across the seats and bounced and slept and shook my bones by myself all the way to Delhi.

Mar 23, 2009

Crime - Second Month

Here we are at the end of the second month of my reading of sundry non-English crime-fiction. You may recall I started with the grandiose plan to read one book by every author listed in the Eurocrime website, but as I am too cheap to buy the books and because the local libraries do not stack them all, I've had to modify the goals a bit. I'll read any crime fiction as long as it is translated into English.

So here we go with month 2. First off the blocks is a somewhat whimsical tale about an old lawyer who has a shrewd business plan. Whenever he encounters a crime that intrigues him, he sticks around to solve it. Then he approaches the murderer and offers to defend him (and possibly get him off successfully) in return for a suitable honorarium. Invariably the gendarmerie and the prosecutor, plodders as they are, will find themselves outclassed. In Pierre Véry's The Old Ladies' Tea Party, the lawyer, old Prosper Lepicq, is on holiday in a small town called Criquebec, where he falls in with a bunch of elderly ladies with a fetish for the occult. Lepicq likes to ingratiate himself amongst the residents so as to pick up all the gossip, and these ladies favour him with multiple points of view of nearly every resident. Then one man is murdered. It appears that he cunningly sold a piece of land to the town council in return for a substantial annual stipend. The council, hoping to make back the investment, constructed an old people's home on the land. Unfortunately, no old people wanted to live there. The murdered man was much loathed for this supposed con. Could that be reason enough for his death? Then another innocuous person, a known associated of the first man, is killed. Lepicq soon uncovers blackmail, envy, sibling rivalry and poison. The case itself is not surprising in its revelation, the prose is somewhat breathy and excitable, but Véry, one of France's popular authors, describes the petty-mindedness of small-town life accurately, and the various characters add some eccentric colour to this thin book.

From whimsy to hardboiled noir: Giampiero Rigosi's Night Bus is about two rootless characters and seedy Bologna. Leila is thirty-ish, pretty, a hunter of men's wallets (she picks up her marks, drugs them and absconds with their money). Francesco is a bus-driver with a gambling addiction. There is a politician who is being blackmailed and who has arranged for payment to be made in return for the incriminating document. There are secret service agents, no better than thugs, who are after the blackmailers so that they can make case against the politician. Another agent, slightly better than a thug, works for the politician, and wants to ensure a smooth transfer with the blackmailers. Leila unknowingly gets her hand on the documents after seducing one of the blackmailers. Meanwhile Francesco is being chased by a giant of a man to repay his gambling debts. The disparate story-lines, written in staccato fashion, serve very well to maintain tension, and do converge in a collection of set-pieces that are both hair-raising and funny. Rigosi has a considerable affection for Quentin Tarantino, I guess, evident both in the action-film-script-like prose and in surreal touches of humour (e.g., see here for an excerpt where the secret service thugs take a break from violence to make pasta). Good stuff.

We must have an obligatory historical crime fiction piece this month, and (like the poor example last month) this one is provided by another Frenchman, Armand Cabasson, in his Wolf Hunt. Cabasson is well-known for his obsessive study of the Napoleonic wars, but he has considerable trouble separating his hobby from the necessity of terseness in his prose, and so this book has the usual long excursuses into regimental history, battle plans (both French and Austrian), and a few supercilious put-downs of the Viennese. Quentin Margont is a French soldier who, when he is not butchering the enemy, likes to ponder egaliteraniasm and the remains of the Revolution of 1789, and, at other times, solve crimes. He encounters a beautiful Austrian woman (during a truce in the conflict) who begs him to help locate a missing orphan. The orphan is subsequently found brutally murdered. Meanwhile, an Austrian-turned-French soldier Lukas Relmyer is on the chase of the murderer who, he believes, was the man who had very nearly killed him several years earlier. The two men decide to join forces, and in the midst of their hunt, there is opportunity to describe a Viennese ball, corruption in the bureaucracy, Franco-Austrian disdain for each other, a few bouts of fencing, and Margont's love for the beautiful Austrian woman. As far as investigations go, unsurprisingly, this is not of very high calibre; eventually the two men do catch up with the murderer, but the villain's motivation was not very clear (to me, at least).

Nordic crime fiction is now so numerous that no month can go by without having at least one exemplar from that genre, which is provided today by Liza Marklund's The Bomber. This is a good piece of work that is undone by a somewhat loose denouement, and again, the villain's motivations do not appear meaty enough to result in the carnage produced. Of course, we could attribute this disconnect to the murderer's psychopathy, but even that revelation is so late in the book that it appears almost as an afterthought. But I liked the book overall for its acute description of a workplace that is suffused with rivalries, political and professional (I think I've used this expression before so I'm getting sloppy myself), and the difficulties faced by working women (especially working women who are good at and passionate about their work) vis-a-vis their families. This book is written from the perspective of a journalist, Annika Bengtzon, who is deep in the investigation of a bomb that has destroyed Stockholm's Olympic arena, killing one person, and who, despite having a police contact, is not entirely certain how the police investigation is going. She herself does not aim to solve the mystery; rather, she chases separate strands of possibilities raised by the information dug up by herself and her team. This is a neat trick on Marklund's part - the real police story is elsewhere but we get glimpses of it at third-hand, as it were, and Bengtzon's investigation reveals various side stories, which eventually all combine at the climax (which is where it all begins to go downhill, as I mentioned above). This is a very good thriller for a long flight, and I guess the Swedes must travel a lot, for the book has done phenomenally in their country.

In last month's roundup, I mentioned the Mexican novel co-authored by the Zapatista leader, Subcommandante Marcos; in that book, there were several references to Manuel Vázquez Montalbán's books, and I picked up one: The Man of My Life. This is set in Barcelona, where the detective Pepe Carvalho plies his trade, freshly back from a stint in Buenos Aires. The book is more a rumination on the politics of Region Plus and Catalan nationalism and various groups for and against the -isms that plague Spain (including, of course, Catholicism and Satanism), than a detective novel. Much energy is expended in describing why an economic union of Barcelona, Toulouse and Milan is inimical to the idea of Catalonia (if people can make money in the new regime, why will they bother to agitate for separation from Spain?), and why devil-worship is the new religion to counter Catholicism (which has been tarnished by its association with the depredations of Franco's era). Indeed, Carvalho does little detecting, although by what looks like authorial fiat, he locates one crazy group of anarchists and another, and deduces links among them that perplexed an unsubtle mind like mine. In the midst of all this, he also gorges himself on some of Barcelona's famed cuisine (see here for an example) and on Barcelona's lovely women as well. How a somewhat weary and downbeat sixty-year old gets all those women, I have no idea. Still, they like him, and he proceeds to confound the various politicos with his smart-alecky humour, before settling the case with his own idea of justice.

It should be a warning to any reader when an author is pretentious enough to suggest that his book be read to the accompaniment of music; when he goes so far as to recommend the piece of music to go with each chapter, it's all I can do not to kill myself. Maxim Chattam's The Cairo Diary is terrible. Anyway, quick plot summary: a woman hidden in present time in Mont Saint Michel by the French secret service finds the diary of an English detective who chased after a particularly vicious serial-killer of children (gratuitous descriptions ensue, followed by much reflection on oriental mystique and the fatal attraction of women) in Cairo in 1928. The book bifurcates: one trail following the Englishman, and the other following the fugitive woman. I can't think which is worse: the unrelentingly florid language or the vanishingly thin story-line. It then appears that someone is hunting the woman, and it's all somehow related to the putrid plot in Egypt. I, well, I can't go on with this anymore.

Finally - to end on a high note (and after the last book, a slug would have been a high note) - we have Petros Markaris's Zone Defence, set one hot summer in Athens when the garbage collectors are on strike and Inspector Haritos is ailing, trying to avoid his wife's hypochondriac concerns for his heart, smoking and pigging out, and chasing after the perpetrators of a gangland shooting of a restaurant owner, and pondering about an unknown corpse that may or may not be linked to said restaurateur. This is very funny book and every page is a joy; it is remarkably un-PC (Haritos says, for example, there are two things in life I hate: racism and blacks.), sledging Greece's various Balkan neighbours, but not particularly positive on Greeks either. Haritos himself has been married for years, and although he is frequently exasperated by his wife, they do love each other deeply, which is quite exceptional (and even exceptionable - which detective is happy in his personal life?); much of the novel deals with his relationships with her and their adored daughter, amidst ruminations on Greek techniques of tax-evasion, illegal immigration, low-level football leagues, politics and the exigencies of fame. It is a solid police procedural, well worth your time.

A colleague got engaged during a whirlwind trip to Iceland. Although her fiance had tried hard to find a suitably romantic moment to go down on his knee, the torrential downpours and relentless mud did stymie that idea a tad.

Luckily, as I pointed out to her, this XKCD cartoon will not be accurately descriptive of her situation.


All the best, JS!

To say is to act, so I've moved all the film and book related foodie stuff to another blog: Readable Watchable Edible Potable.

What's that? An explosion of blogs? Indeed.

Just put up another loose translation at Sundry Translations and Other Marginalia. This time it's a piece in the Telerama, in connection with the Salon du Livre going on in Paris at the moment, dealing with the literary preferences of a hundred Francophone writers. No great surprises: Proust above all, but of course there are also several non-French authors cited. Most ecumenical, the French.

What better way to start a Tuesday than by posting an extract from From The Man of My Life, by Manuel Vázquez Montalbán?

All at once the carol they used to sing at the climax of Els Patorets or L'adveniment de l'infant Jesús popped into his mind: 'El mes de maig ja ha vingut, sense ser-hi encara.' He remembered too the blasphemous version the rowdy neighbourhood boys who had joined Catholic Action so they could play table-tennis used to sing instead: 'El desembre congelat / m'ha glaçat la fava / al matí quan m'he llevat / no me la trobava.'
In case you are not up to speed with Catalan, the rowdy song translates (sort of) as:

Cold December winds
Have frozen off my willy
When I got up this morning
I didn't half look silly.
Happy St Patrick's Day, everyone.

Mar 9, 2009

Nagas in World War II

When the intrepid Japanese fighting machine stormed its way across Southeast Asia, shattering Malaya and Singapore and Burma, its soldiers were seized with two strands of conflicting ideology. One, that it behooved any great nation to be a colonial power. Two, that Japan was freeing the enslaved peoples of Asia from the dominion of Europe. Thus it was that they expected to be met with open arms by the native population. And they were surprised to find that many of these natives were neither grateful, nor cowed by their might.

The clash of cultures was most acute in the Northeast of India, where the Japanese rapidly advanced upon Nagaland. The British had been scrambling desperately to stem the rout of their forces in Burma, and attempting alliances with the nationalist Chinese in the border areas. At the same time, they tried hard to co-opt the warlike Nagas and Lushai to their side. This proved especially hard, because only two or three decades earlier, they had brutally suppressed rebellions against their rule by these same peoples. For the average Naga chief, the main question was: why should they fight for the British when they hadn't fought for the local Hindu ruling dynasties or even the local Naga bosses? They considered themselves neither Indian nor British, and had attachments mainly to their tribe.

The more perspicaceous among the Naga realised quickly that cooperating with the Japanese would merely mean replacing one taskmaster by another. Some tribes had raised levies to support the British in the First World War and retained some vestige of loyalty to the Raj. Others were bitter about the slaughter of their cohorts and cattle by white men in the uprising of the 1920s. Furthermore, what would happen to their wives and children were they to support the British and then the Japanese won? Still others felt that the British had brought order to the hills, and had established roads and salt markets, and hence were worthy of their support. The anthropologist Ursula Graham Bower who was present at the meetings of the chiefs (and indeed had spent some time among the Naga) noted clearly that colonial politics and patriotism were too vague concepts for the tribes; what would determine their participation in the war effort was inter-tribal and inter-village rivalries.

Meanwhile, the incessant stream of refugees out of Burma was causing untold strain on the local population. The Nagas died in their thousands, their immune systems unadapted to the virulent strains of dysentery brought by the refugees. In many cases, village chiefs refused the help of doctors and depended on medicine men, which exacerbated the epidemic. Still, many Nagas were helpful and cared for the civilian flood. They were also drafted into the levies by Bowers and other British military men, their decaying muskets replaced with newer weaponry. They were drilled firstly as scouts, then as a defence force that eventually became the formidable fighters that threw out the Japanese in 1944 and 1945. For Bower, it was an object lesson in sexism, constantly sidelined and belittled by the British war office. As one of them said, she was always wrong twice. 'Once for being wrong, and once for being a woman.' But eventually she was built up as a propaganda tool and achieved renown as the Queen of the Nagas, although, as she admitted, the true heroes were the Nagas, and not the British who seemed to be acting out the romances of H. Rider Haggard. 1

Although some scouts went over to the Japanese, most Naga and Chin and Lushai peoples provided stellar services in the war effort. They led British and Indian troops through the jungle, silently and quickly, to assail Japanese foxholes and camps. They gave misleading information to the Japanese regarding allied troop numbers. An army intelligence officer wrote in the summer of 1944:

The quantity and quality of operational information received from the local population has been a major factor in our success to date. A high percentage of our successful air strikes have been the direct result of local information. 2

For the Japanese, the encounter with the Nagas and other hill-tribes was shocking. First, they thought that the hills people were nothing better than unlettered savages, even more primitive than the aborigines they knew of both in Hokkaido and Taiwan. Secondly, they could not understand that anyone might oppose their plans for 'liberation' - anyone who was against their Asia for Asians policy, they thought, had been bribed or bullied into being so. Their contempt for the people they had ostensibly liberated resulted in spectacular oversights. For example, they allowed the tribals to wander in and out of their camps, and kept no tabs on their activities. General Slim, the British CO, told this tale:

The Japanese commanders on the Manipur front employed a number of Naga orderlies as batmen in the early months of 1944. Naturally, they treated them as illiterate numbskulls. Two of the Nagas decided to steal an operational map which they saw lying around in a commander's tent. Only too well aware of the estimate the Japanese put on their brainpower, they covered their tracks by pretending that this had been an ordinary theft, and made off with clothing and small pieces of equipment as well as the map. Within a few hours, the map was on Slim's table at British headquarters. As the attack developed, Slim was astonished to find that the Japanese commanders had not modified their plan one iota, so sure were they that no mere Naga orderly could have understood the significance of a battle plan. 3

It is a sad fact that Indian history (at least as taught when I went to school there) has nothing at all to say about the Northeast. Perhaps the state boards of education of Manipur and Nagaland discuss the history of their peoples; the central board pretends that India comprises only the Gangetic plain, the Deccan, and the erstwhile Tamil domains (with occasional nods to Gujarat, Goa and Bengal). And yet the 'peripheral' peoples have often made great contributions to the story of our country, even throughout the British domination, and their stories remain untold. The irony, of course, is that we depend on British historians now to uncover these stories and reveal them in popular discourse.

References
  1. Christopher Bayly and Tim Harper, Forgotten Armies: Britain's Asian Empire & The War With Japan, Penguin, 2004. p. 202-204.
  2. ibid, p. 386
  3. ibid, pp 386-387.
  4. Ursula and the Naked Nagas, Time, January 1, 1945.

Aha! The official imprimatur to my hypothesis, at last. Tobias Jones, in the Observer, makes the following observation about crime fiction based in foreign climes:
The other major difference is that in classic crime fiction the investigator tends to be a bit of an old soak, sinking a gimlet between each phone call. In this reinvention of the genre the investigator tends to be a more sober sort of gourmet, a food rather than a cocktail fetishist. Reflecting the fact that the British are obsessed by recipes these days, these books usually contain endless ingredients and evocations of smells and flavours. Omar Yussef describes "the aroma of walnuts and dates from the ma'amoul shortbread pyramided on wide trays outside a sweetshop". Yashim the eunuch cooks up Acem Yahnisi, describing in detail the blend of chicken and walnuts and pomegranate juice.
I'd like to claim that you heard of this predilection for endless recipes here, but I shall not be so possessive of this discovery.

Mar 7, 2009

Sercked

Around 1991 or thereabouts, a massive new building came up in the IISc campus, and there was widespread anticipation among us computer geeks about the impending arrival of a Cray supercomputer. The Cray was to be housed in the building, which was named the Supercomputer Education and Research Centre.

A few months later, the anticipation was ground underfoot when it became apparent that the Americans were putting all sorts of conditions on the sale of the Cray. The powers-that-be then decided that the money would be better spent on buying a bunch of Silicon Graphics and Sun Solaris workstations and CDC and VAX mainframes, arrange them as a distributed computing network, and wire up the campus so that all departments would be able to avail of the power of SERC. When we heard of the two American engineers who were reputed to be always on site at the Cray installation in the Meteorological centre in Delhi to vet any applications that might be run on it (in case they were simulations for a missile nose-cone, say, or a fighter wing), we flattered ourselves that we were well out of all that needless headache.

When the centre opened, certain ground rules were quickly established. General users were to restrict themselves to the monochrome VT100 terminals. These could only display characters in columns of 132 or 80. Not the fanciest gadgets, then. The graphics workstations were open to all, but if molecular biologists or physicists wanted them, people from other departments had to relinquish their place. This was because some high-falutin' modelling software that these worthies used was available only on the IRIS powerhorses. When engineering majors started doing Computer Graphics, of course, they insinuated themselves into the second line of priority behind the molecbios and the phizzes. But soon thereafter all the casual visitor saw in the workstation lab was geeky attempts at landing jumbo jets at various airports using the fancy flight simulator packages installed on the machines.

Another ground rule was to conserve printing paper. There were heavy duty line-printers chugging away at all hours of day and night, spewing outputs for intricate models. Each sheet of paper, we were told, cost 25 paise, so it was not too difficult to estimate that a few lakhs worth of paper was being used up on a monthly basis. Much of the output, it was clear, was white space because the programmers hadn't bothered to print laterally. Instead, there would be a column of numbers about 8 digits wide on the left margin - perhaps 60 or 70 numbers per sheet - and a large expanse of nothingness to right of each sheet. Many sheets were not even picked up from the printer, so the SERC big-wigs organised shelves by department, and arranged for a minion (or a research assistant) to collate the outputs and place them into the appropriate pigeonholes. Still, one found that many printouts remained abandoned. About this time, some stingy students decided that they could save big bucks by not buying notebooks, and using the line-printer sheets instead. They lovingly bound them up into scrapbooks, and toted them around proudly.

The more corrupt among the students would write dummy programs that would print white space - several pages of it - and take away the resulting output for use as notepaper. They didn't want to appear dishonest by opening up the printers and stealing paper directly, so they consoled themselves with the thought that they were only taking their own (blank) printouts with them.

Meanwhile, some students became system administrators of the CD4360 machines. These were the general purpose mainframes with VT100 terminals connected up to them from all over campus. Hack, that great (and possibly unsurpassed) precursor of role-playing computer games, became a campus addiction. Some sys-admin students, in an afflatus of authority, would decide that too many games sessions were going on in the mainframe and - without warning to the legitimate users - reboot it. I lost several running sessions of simulations in this manner, much to my fury.

It has been wisely observed that the smaller a person's authority over another, the more likely he is to abuse it. (If the observation has not been made, I'd like to stake claim to it.) The student sys-admins were one exemplar of this adage. The security guards at SERC were another.

For some reason, when entering SERC, we were all expected to go through a metal detector, sign our names at the entry roster, show our badges for identify ourselves, and sign out when we left. In no other department building (except possibly the library) on campus were there such controls. Invariably, the guards would refuse to allow in a student who had forgotten his or her badge. Often, the roster was so crammed with students' signatures that it became difficult to locate one's entry in it when one wanted to sign out. This meant that dozens of students would be milling about the security desk trying to sign in or out. At meal-times, the problem was particularly acute. Did I want to stick around to locate my signature, or did I want to hurry to the mess hall to stuff my face? One day, seeing the crowd at the security desk, I decided to leave without signing out. One of the security guards ran after me. "Hey!" he shouted, "You didn't sign."

"I'm in a hurry," I replied.

Furiously, he stamped the ground.

"You must sign!" he thundered.

"No," I said, and walked away.

Later in the evening, going towards SERC I realised that I had left my badge in my room. Had I continued to the centre, the guard would be sure to remember me from lunchtime and refuse to let me in. So I went back to the room, picked up the badge, and returned to SERC. The guard - the same fellow from before - stuck his hand out to stop me.

"Badge," he said.

I pretended to look for it. A look of triumph spread across his face. Malice followed triumph in quick succession. Just as he was about to throw me out, I plucked my ID card out of my wallet, and, waving it graciously in front of the guard, signed myself in. He choked in baffled fury. I smiled benignly upon the fellow. I patted him on the shoulder.

"Next time lucky, eh?" I said.

Ah, these minor victories. What would life be without them?

Every month, on the first Friday, the US Bureau of Labour Statistics announces the Non-Farm Payrolls number. This is widely seen as an important macroeconomic datum for the US economy, and large surprises in it causes swings in nearly every financial market on the planet. It is considered to be difficult to forecast accurately, despite it having seasonal variations, and so is fair game in nearly every financial institution for a sweepstakes.

We are no different at my workplace. The sweepstakes is simple: whoever chooses a number that's closest to the actual as reported by the Bureau wins the pot. When I began participating a couple of years ago, the entry fee was £1 with the winner collecting it all. Last month, the boss, claiming that in these difficult times of credit crunch we should strive to make someone very happy, urged us to raise the stakes to £5. Amazingly, people agreed. He then proceeded to win handily. It turns out he ran some statistical regression or the other, and his guess came surprisingly close to the actual number.

Now, over the past several months, payroll numbers have been plummeting in the US. It's not too surprising, then, that fitting a trend line should be a reasonably accurate forecast. Previously, I had generally chosen randomly - as far away from the average opinion as possible, so that if the result were an outlier, that is, far from the average, I'd claim the pot. Never worked, dash it. This month, I briefly considered getting fancy with my forecast. I tried this model (ARIMA) and that (linear regression). Both of them gave me numbers that were not too different from the consensus of 79 economists polled by Reuters. What was the point of using these models, then? The last time I had chosen the Reuters consensus, I had been so far away from the announced number that it was embarrassing even to admit I had participated in the sweepstakes. But perhaps now my luck was turning? After all, only two days earlier, I had won £10 on the National Lottery. (Woo-hoo. 10x returns! Take that, financial practitioners!) So I chose a number (-675,000) close but not too close to the consensus (-648,000). The rest of the punters were all over the place; some predicting a drop in employment of a million even.

At this point, I can modestly admit that I won. About bloody time, too, I say. The number came in at -651,000. Kudos and backslaps (and suspicions of unfair advantage by means of statistical tests) came my way. I counted my gains. Fifty quid, folks. Fifty freakin' quid.

[In unrelated news, the wife's just announced that she is going shopping.]

Mar 1, 2009

Crime First Month

Well, it's been a month since I came up with the plan to slash and burn through Eurocrime, and believe you me, it's been tough putting it into practice. Relentless blood, gore, bleakness does tend to get a bit monotonous after a while. You know, gory and tedious. I have half a mind to switch to Mills and Boon for the next month. But no, I'm made of stronger stuff. I shall go down fighting.

It should be admitted that I've had to change the conditions of my plan a tad. Not all authors listed at the Eurocrime site are available in my local library, and I'm hanged if I'm going to use up valuable shelf space on purchased paperbacks. So I've broadened the crime fiction spectrum to translated fiction from anywhere in the world. And so we have our first month's list here.

Surely Aris Fioretos should be onto a winner. Imagine: a Greek-Austrian author who writes fiction in Swedish about sexual high jinks and extravagance in Weimar Germany, and then translates it himself into English. The implied versatility is mind-boggling. His The Truth About Sascha Knisch defeated the best efforts of the Complete Review, so I'm rather smug about having blundered my way through it. It is a strange admixture of wry humour and somewhat overblown prose. Sascha Knisch is a projectionist at a theatre in Berlin in 1928, freshly arrived from Vienna. His childhood buddy is now in the Berlin underworld. He has a peculiar fetish for dressing up in elegant women's outfits, and develops a relationship with a Dora Wilms. She dominates him but they also develop an affectionate understanding, which prompts him to begin investigating her murder (it doesn't help that he was in a closet in her room changing into a fancy dress when she is killed). Several pseudo-scientific societies promoting eugenics enter the story; their clashes and struggles for political domination, and competition between homicide and vice squads in the Berlin police all blend together into a strangely atmospheric novel. It feels almost like alternative history, is overly convoluted, baroque even, and none of the characters is particularly sympathetic, and it stretches on and on, but I must say I finished it with a feeling of achievement, if not satisfaction.

Michele Giuttari used to be a cop in Florence and he puts his experience of solving gritty crime to use in the rather formulaic police procedural A Florentine Death. Michele Ferrara is his chief detective, head of a group of investigative specialists based out of Florence, but whose remit extends across Tuscany. I'm not entirely sure if this book is based on a real-life case that Giuttari was involved in. He makes references to a well-known Tuscan serial killer whose murderous spree remains unsolved to this day, and who is being followed (fictionally) by Ferrara. But the main plot of this book is that of a person sending literary clues to Ferrara ostensibly describing the homosexual victims that pile up as the book progresses. Then there are subplots involving stolen Velazquez paintings, gratuitous inclusions of a lesbian who wants to get it on with a troubled man, and descriptions of a rather comfortable family life (all too rare for detectives, eh?) for Ferrara himself. Add political interference, bureaucratic clashes, a rather plodding and impulsive investigation, and you have it. Not the best example of Italian crime fiction that I've seen.

Juan Gómez-Jurado has written the religio-political thriller God's Spy, set in the Vatican at the time of Pope John Paul II's death and the conclave that elected Ratzinger. In true thriller style, there are italicised passages that provide the back story for the killer and various characters. (I kept recalling Robert Ludlum's constant use of "Madness!" in the Bourne novels whenever he referred to uncovered plans for world domination.) Of course, no detective can be truly sympatico unless she has severe character flaws, and Paola Dicanti is no different. One of a few highly trained profilers in the world, but one whose knowledge is entirely theoretical, she is called in to investigate the brutal murder of a cardinal in the build-up to the conclave. Then another cardinal is butchered, and others barely escape with their lives. It's all very hush-hush, and she has to collaborate with the Vatican's secret police, unedifying characters every one of them, sexist even, and struggle with her own fatal fascination for older unsuitable men (e.g. priests and married heads of department). About the only thing that stuck in my mind after reading the book was that petrol prices in the Vatican are way lower than in Rome, so every one of the handful of fuel stations in the Papal State is crawling with cars from over the border trying to fill up - although only cars with appropriate permits (people of influence, naturally) are allowed to buy petrol in the Vatican... Clearly, Gómez-Jurado aims to write a topical novel - he manages to include both the child abuse scandals that rocked the Catholic church a few years ago, and the pious skullduggery and politicking that occurs during the election of a Pope. Not sure if the effort is worth it, though. Just like Ludlum's pulp, this can be read on a long flight and consigned quickly to the dustbin and out of one's mind upon arrival at one's destination.

There's only so much serial killing a man can take before he wants to switch to something less grim, and he falls smack into politics. Paco Ignacio Taibo is one of Mexico's most famous writers, and in The Uncomfortable Dead, he collaborates with another famous Mexican, Insurgent Subcomandante Marcos, to produce one of the most satisfying books I've read in a while. The two authors write alternate chapters, and who would have thought that the Zapatista leader had such a deft touch, such a feeling for language? The Investigative Commission, as the Zapatistas call their main detective, Elias Contreras, is an Indio plodder, a man who worries and worries at problems until their solutions are harassed into revelation. He is uneducated and unliterary, but he has a simple intuition and a mind that can cut through obfuscation essentially because it is so simple. He spends his chapters dealing with petty crime, missing persons, and a murder in Chiapas. Meanwhile, Taibo's detective, Hector Belascoaran Shayne, is a man in Mexico City investigating one Morales, who was said to have involved himself in sundry political murders, enriched himself, and then vanished without a trace. As the book progresses, Contreras' and Shayne's investigations converge, but not before major diversions into Mexican political history, and trenchant critiques of the Americans and the Mexican conservatives. Good stuff, especially if you avoid all the political diatribes.

Readers of Jasper Fforde's Nursery Crime series will find much that is familiar in Rafael Reig's Blood on the Saddle. Based in a Spain where petroleum has run out and the Americans invaded, there are broken families and escaped literary characters from books. There's a company that appears to dominate the economic skyline by owning the patent on virtually every genetic modification around. There is some sad, sad, shagging. There's alcoholism, and there's some sparkling humour. This is a rather peculiar novel, not entirely crime fiction, and not quite social criticism, and not quite science fiction. The detective is a man named Clot (why Clot? I didn't quite figure that out.) is the usual laconic PI, a loner. He appears to solve crimes entirely by accident, but hey, however you do it, it's good, right? There's a novel (also called Blood on the Saddle) which cannot be finished until Clot recovers a character who has leapt right out of the pages of the book and escaped: the author is collapsing with alcohol poisoning. It's all heady and surreal and ironic, and doesn't lose much in translation. Neat stuff.

There ought to be a law against over-dramatised blurbs on books. In Kjell Eriksson's The Princess of Burundi (for some reason, several of this man's crime novels have an African reference in their titles), the blurb talks about a silent killer who holds an entire city in the grip of his terror. Bollocks. Other than the relatives of the man who is killed, nobody in Uppsala really gives a damn. His brother is out for revenge, his lovely wife is ravaged by grief, his son is falling apart as a result of it all. It is sombre and dark as almost all of Scandinavian crime fiction, and is rather good as a study of the effects of violent crime on a family. Why was the man killed? There are rumours of a large winnings at poker; although he has been on the straight-and-narrow for years, his brother (to whom he was very close) has continued a life of crime; was it revenge? The book is rather slow to take off, and the solution when it finally arrives is not very satisfying, but the book adds yet another dimension to one's understanding of Swedish life, which is all to the good, what?

Boris Akunin's last of his Pelagia trilogy - Pelagia and the Red Rooster - is out. As I have mentioned earlier, I haven't taken to this intrepid nun as much as to Erast Fandorin, Akunin's other great hero. But Akunin's declared that he is done with this series, and its ending is more bitter than sweet, for Pelagia, with her red hair and freckled face, her keen mind and impetuous enthusiasm, is a sympathetic character, and perhaps I have developed an affection for her. This book is more serious and polemic than Akunin's others, darker, and he paints a broad sweep of politics, religion, xenophobia, and the beginnings of the long war between Jews and Arabs in the Holy Land. It is written from the point of view of several characters: Pelagia, an assassin, the chief Prosecutor of Zavolsk (where Pelagia is from), and sundry other minor people who add considerable colour to the tale. Although Pelagia has been accused of betraying her spiritual vows with her constant seeking out of detective thrills, and despite her promise to desist, she is unable to give up the investigation of a series of murders that seem to be associated with a self-proclaimed messiah. An assassin, meanwhile, has been dispatched to kill both her and the messiah. True to the genre, the rot obviously starts at the top, but here it's not really corruption that's spreading across the Russian establishment but conservatism and religious fervour. Several myths combine in this tale. Pelagia makes a grand tour down the Volga and into Palestine where she finds the messiah, as one would expect of a heroine.

Where historical crime fiction is concerned, clearly Akunin is in the stratosphere with a large tail of wannabes struggling man(or woman)fully behind him. The effort by Jean-François Parot, The Phantom of Rue Royale, is at the bottom of this long tale. I'm not sure if this is a particularly French trait, but there's so much didacticism and exposition that it appears the writer is more keen to show off his knowledge of the period than actually provide meat to the plot. The plot? Ha. It is the marriage of the Dauphin of France to Marie Antoinette in celebration of which a large fireworks is organised for the edification of the populace. It is grossly mismanaged and, tragically, many people are killed in the crush. Some unsavoury characters decide to use the general mayhem to commit a few crimes of their own, and it is the noble-bastard-who-renounced-his-title detective Nicolas Le Floch who has to sort out the mess. For all his renunciation, this man has the ear of the King and is thrilled by it; when he is not detecting, he is telling stories to the King, or eating in various taverns (obligatory description of meals padding up the already thick book). An entirely unnecessary demonic possession and exorcism is tacked on. The plot reels like a drunk. Dear God, why did such execrable stuff win positive reviews? The Independent - quite laughably, I think - said: "A little pruning might have been applied to that besetting sin of historical fiction, characters telling each other things they already know, and a supernatural element may be a genre-shift too far for some. But such is the momentum of the storytelling, few will worry." Unbelievable.

altun I have ranted elsewhere about Selçuk Altun's anti-moustache tirade, but his book Songs My Mother Never Taught Me is interesting in many ways. It's not much of a crime novel, although there are several murders. The scion of a wealthy family who has been dominated by his mother all his life rejoices at her death and slowly falls into passivity and ennui. A poor man becomes a hired killer and realises by and by that the assassinations he performs, ostensibly in the service of a higher morality and in the name of the Qur'an, are nothing more than in the cause of selfish vendettas of his masters. Naturally, the paths of both protagonists converge (entirely by means of a deus ex machina, a character in the book who is often called odious and is also named Selçuk Altun). What remains at the end? A rather delicious tour around the wonderful city of Istanbul, many references to mother-hating poetry by various authors, and a state of befuddlement in yours truly's mind.

I had been worried at the outset of this grand tour through crime fiction that I would end up suffused with paedophiles, serial killers, killers of paedophiles, and other low-life, complete with graphic descriptions of the torture and bloodshed that ensues. Well, Xavier Marie Bonnot's The First Fingerprint certainly takes the cake. More than a novel with a linear plot, it is a bit of an episodic police procedural, drawing on multiple crimes (including those of children, beautiful (but cold) women, crooks and reformed criminals). Ever since the success of the Da Vinci Code, people have tried to write books that combine some age-old mystery with modern sickness, and Bonnot (a qualified anthropologist) goes farther back than most - all the way to the early Cro-Magnon man. Amidst academic politics (a small anthropological school in Aix gains prominence to the envy of the more established schools in Paris when Lascaux-like fine art is discovered underwater near Marseille), and police politics (murder squad has been sidelined by the gendarmerie), thuggish drug-smugglers and retired mafiosi, a killer is stalking is victims, killing them and ritually disembowelling them with stone-age weaponry. But there are some other murders as well, so are they all connected? The chief detective growls his way through the story assuring everyone that he is the best and that he always gets his man. Of course he does.

If bleak Scandinavian crime gets to you, switch to the Icelandic Yrsa Sigurdardottir for some black humour. At least, she tries to inject some jocose banter among her characters in the otherwise tiresomely detailed Last Rituals. The connection with Dan Brown is not rejected at all here - again, we have medieval manuscripts and witch-hunts that somehow have a bearing on the ghoulishly mutilated death of a student at a college in Reykjavik. The author wastes no opportunity to fill us in on the history of Icelandic witch-hunts (unlike Europe where most witches burnt were women, mainly men were persecuted in Iceland for the black arts) and the conflict with the Danish imperium. Academic politics in that country seems to be no less bitchy than political politics anywhere else. Supplementing all this mayhem is an impoverished divorced lawyer Thóra Gudmundsdôttir who is recruited by the dead student's family to poke holes in the police case and possibly find the real killer. A German ex-policeman (who, the blurb - rather misleadingly - blames for putting obstacles in her way) assists in her investigation. Their relationship is the source of most of the wit. And, of course, Thora has family troubles of her own, which are 'resolved' in a wryly funny part of the book. Everything else is dark, dank, bloody. If all the medieval guff was elided, this book would have been shorter and much the better for it.

Right. Andrea Maria Schenkel's debut novel The Murder Farm is an attempt at multiple perspective again, and it succeeds in most part. A one-time resident of a little village in Germany returns home to investigate the gruesome murder of a family. It is scarcely a decade since the end of the second world war, and the village is riven by old rivalries and hatreds. Erstwhile Nazis are still in positions of authority and brook no investigation into the past. Meanwhile, the murdered family is loathed by almost everybody in the village, and various grim rumours circulate around village of their sordid predilections. The narrative is split into straightforward narrative, offering perspectives not available to the cast of characters, and interviews of various villagers who offer their own opinions, hesitant or antagonistic, puerile or appropriate. The story unfolds spine-chillingly and the reader soon discovers the grisly truth that has eluded both the police and the neighbours. And it's a pip.

And we have one more Swede this month. Karin Alvtegen's Shame is an excellent character study marred by a loose denouement. As long as the character development proceeds, it is engrossing enough, although I found it rather difficult to empathise with the motivations of the deeply flawed doctor, who is one of the two women whose lives eventually intersect in tragedy. Monika has lived under the suppurating, slowly strangling shadow of her dead brother and her mother's hatred; to compensate for the inadequacy and incompleteness she has felt, she has overachieved professionally, and run away from every relationship that could have salved her. Meanwhile, Maj-Britt, morbidly obese and curdling with poison, has been ruined by her upbringing by fundamentalist Christian parents, and sees people as nothing better than targets of her venom. Very like the guilt and grief felt by Ben Affleck's character in the film Bounce, Monika tries to make amends to the family of an acquaintance who had taken her place in a car journey and died in an accident on the way. She is unable to distinguish selfless help and interference, and gets more and more deeply involved in the victim's family. When Maj-Britt figures out Monika's motivations, she likes nothing better than to blackmail Monika, and from that point, the book begins to lose its power. Still, it was good going until that point.

Finally, another Karin, a Norwegian - Karin Fossum - provides yet another family tragedy. In Black Seconds, a little girl loved by everybody vanishes and the family collapses in anguish and bitterness. Her cousins are marked by the sorrow and can barely cope with their own lives; the mother, whose entire life revolved completely around the girl, can scarcely breathe. The police is puzzled - why hasn't the body reappeared? Very like Jill Dawson's Watch Me Disappear, there's mentally deficient man whom people suspect, and very like in that atmospheric book, here too the eventual discovery of the criminal is heart-rending. An excellent book, very empathetic and richly nuanced.